By: Wendy Morris
“But God…”
Those two words mean more to me now than they ever used to.
I grew up hearing them in church. Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night—we knew we were going. There was never a question about it. Church was simply part of our routine.
The same people showed up. We sang many of the same songs. There was the offering, the sermon, and the invitation. Afterward, we usually ate lunch at my grandparents’ house—or at Helen’s Drive-In if we “went out” to eat.
Those are such precious memories to me now.
Looking back, I can see that the adults in my life were planting seeds in my heart. I didn’t take those days for granted; I simply didn’t understand their significance yet. I had no idea how much Jesus would come to mean to me as I grew into an adult. I didn’t know how desperately I would one day need the truth I was being taught.
There was a period during junior high and high school when I stopped attending church. We had moved away from the church we had always attended, and I never felt comfortable in another one. Eventually, we became “comfortable” not going.
And honestly, I became comfortable living without putting God first.
Like many teenagers, I was living for the world. Even though I knew better, I often placed my wants ahead of what God wanted for me. I would feel convicted, pray, ask for forgiveness—and then find myself doing the same things all over again.
I understand now what a dangerous line I was walking.
Still, God protected me during those years. He saw things I couldn’t see, knew things I couldn’t know, and already understood the plans He had for my life.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
—Jeremiah 29:11
God never promised that my journey would be easy, but He has shown me that following Him is always worth it.
My, my, my—He also knew how stubborn I could be. He knew exactly what it would take to teach me, humble me, and mold me into the woman I am today.
I am not perfect. I still fail. I still have moments when I want to take control and choose my own direction. But I am saved by His grace. I am learning to surrender daily, walk in obedience, and trust Him even when I cannot see where He is leading me.
The deepest desire of my heart now is to glorify Him—not myself and not anyone else.
My way has never proven to work out very well anyway. You would think that realization would make surrender easy, but sometimes it is still incredibly difficult. I often have to choose to trust where God is leading me instead of following where I might want to go.
If you know me, then you know how hard that can be for me.
That is why I stand on His promises—sometimes day by day and sometimes moment by moment.
I often feel as though it took me forty years in the wilderness to loosen my grip on my own way. I used to read the story of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and wonder how anyone could continue going in circles for forty years.
How could they keep forgetting what God had done?
How could they doubt Him after everything He had already shown them?
How could they continue trying to do things their own way?
Well, here I am today to say: I understand now.
Sometimes we wander because we are afraid to trust. Sometimes we keep circling the same mountain because surrender feels more frightening than what is familiar. Sometimes God has to let us reach the end of our own strength before we finally loosen our grip and place everything in His hands.
The wilderness is not always punishment. Sometimes it is preparation.
It is where God teaches us dependence. It is where our faith becomes more than something we heard about in church. It is where the seeds planted during childhood begin to take root. It is where we learn that God is faithful—not because someone else told us He is, but because we have experienced His faithfulness for ourselves.
I now understand that those childhood church services were preparing me for battles I didn’t know I would face. Those familiar songs gave me truths I would later cling to. Those sermons planted words in my heart that the Holy Spirit would bring back to me when I needed them most.
None of it was wasted.
Neither were the years when I wandered. God used even those seasons to show me how much I needed Him.
I am still being shaped. I am still learning obedience. I am still surrendering my plans and trusting His. But when I look back over my life, I can clearly see the places where my story could have ended differently.
But God protected me.
But God pursued me.
But God forgave me.
But God restored me.
But God never let me go.
Those two words are no longer simply something I heard in church. They are part of my testimony.
My life may not have unfolded the way I once imagined, but God has been faithful through every chapter. I may have spent years trying to lead myself, but He never stopped calling me back to Him.
Today, I am learning to release my grip and trust the hands that have held me all along.
I have wandered. I have struggled. I have been stubborn. I have failed.
But God.
And because of Him, my story is still being written.
Reflection
Are you walking through a wilderness season right now? Could God be using it to teach you trust, obedience, or surrender? What might change if you loosened your grip and allowed Him to lead?
Prayer
Father, thank You for never giving up on me, even during the seasons when I wandered and chose my own way. Thank You for every seed of faith that was planted in my heart and for protecting me when I didn’t understand how much I needed You. Help me loosen my grip on my plans and trust where You are leading me. When I feel uncertain, remind me of Your faithfulness. Continue molding me into the person You created me to be, and let my life bring glory to You. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Grow in Grace 